He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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