dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
