i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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