You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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