this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
