Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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