Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
