he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
