If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
