I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
