i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
