One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
