I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
