I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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