i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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