Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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