im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
