I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
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sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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