I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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