get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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