you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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