wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
