That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
