There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
