I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
