I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
