my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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