why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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