Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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