I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
