I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
