turn off your phone and go to bed
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie