There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just wanna be euthanized
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.