dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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