Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
