my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
