I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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