I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
