apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
