im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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