everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
