Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
