I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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