I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it's great music for shaving your balls
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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