Cold hands, warm shart.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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