My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
