Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
