so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
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I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
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I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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