did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
