Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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