Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
