My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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