it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Come share oat with me in your robe
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
