dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
