I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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