The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
