I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
