On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I understand Curling. That high.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
