i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
