Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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