Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
