Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
