so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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