Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
