Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
