Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
